Help Others...

If you have lost a loved one in a tragic event you should try to help others as much as you can that are going through the same thing.  You know almost exactly how they feel and some advice could really help them push on.  They would probably appreciate the help from you.  But how would I know right?

Going back to a personal note, as you already know; my dad passed away suddenly my freshman year of high school.  I also happened to have a very close friend of mine that I had grown up with since first grade have a similar event happen.  Her mother suddenly passed away our senior year of high school without any warning.  Since I had been in that almost same situation I was the first called. 

It is always hard going through something like this, but it helps just to have someone who can understand your feelings.  Going through this event together were able to talk about things a lot more personal than she felt comfortable discussing with anyone else.  I answered questions that she had about the way she was feeling and if time really does help.  I was a stronger shoulder to cry on because I knew her pain for the most part.  I was actually someone that was put into her shoes and understood her feelings. 

Even to this day we still talk, she still asks questions, and we still cry together.  It is something that not many people can relate to and they should be thankful that they can’t.  But knowing someone that has been through it can help you on a whole new level nobody really understands. 

During this time, I even had people ask how I was doing.  If I was holding up alright, because supposedly everyone thought this death would trigger something for me about my dad and I would suddenly lose it again.  I didn't, yes it did bring back a few feelings but nothing that would “set me back” or whatever people would call that.  I was just grateful that even though I did go through it all, at least my experience would help someone else through their difficult time.   

photo credit: http://www.exquisitelygeek.com/2014_04_01_archive.html

It Is Not Your Fault...

It seems that every time someone passes away no matter the case at least one person is trying to blame themselves.  It is important to remember that death is not your fault.  You should never think that, some things are just out of our control. 

Some things to remember are, it’s okay to still smile and have a good time.  You should not feel guilty about having a good day even though your loved one is gone.  It doesn't mean you've forgotten about them or love them any less.  You are just continuing your own life and trying to enjoy it. 

If you are feeling this guilt you definitely need to read this article. 

http://drphil.com/articles/article/202 

                                                                     

Back to Your Routine...

I had just started my freshman year of high school when my dad pasted away; actually try the first couple weeks of high school… I had just gotten used to my schedule and I was participating in volleyball and running cross country.  I was already super busy with my school work and practices and everything else that a high school student deals with whenever everything happen.  My day to day routine was as follows for the first couple weeks; wake up 5:00am and get ready for cross country practice at 6:00am, start school at 8:00am and end at 3:00pm, followed by volleyball practice from 3:15 to 5:30pm, then running another cross country workout after that.  The next day I would repeat.  I had gotten used to it, that is how it was going to be.

I took a week off of school before I went back.  During that week I did absolutely nothing but sit in my house and think.  No practices, no homework, no nothing, just sitting.  I was somewhat excited to get to school after that week, I wanted that normality back.  I wanted my routine back. 

Going back to school had its difficulties though, you could tell the emotion from some people they had for you for a while.  It made things awkward for me really.  Some teachers just acted like nothing had happened, while others kept me after class to express their sorrow and sympathy for me.  It took a while for everything to get 100% back to normal.  But I was willing to keep pushing until I got it back.  Getting back to my routine was all I wanted.  It definitely helped to keep myself occupied once again with all my work.  Staying busy is just something I think everyone should do while going through this. 

Photo credit: http://www.happylandlcc.com/daily.html

Talk...

It is very important to talk about the situation.  It may seem very hard to be able to discuss this topic for a long time but believe me, it helps.  You can talk to anyone really, anyone who is willing to listen anyway.  A close friend, a parent, another family member, or you can even go to a professional.  There are people out there whose job is to sit and just listen to your problems; take advantage of that.  Holding all of that emotion inside of you just doesn’t work.  It builds, it gets worse, and you just get overall depressed more than you already are; holding it in does absolutely nothing for you.

There are free services on most campus’s you can go to for help, or you can choose to pay for one and get help somewhere else.  If you aren’t much of talker than write, that is better than nothing.  Sit yourself down with a piece of paper and pencil or a laptop and write it out.  Putting your feelings down in front of you can truly help you understand just how you are feeling. 

Personally, for me it took a very long time before I could actually talk about anything without bursting into tears.  So don’t feel alone if you are the same way.  It has been a little over four years and I still find it difficult sometimes, it just takes time.  It is true when they say time heals all pain, the pain will never go away completely; but time does help you move on easier.

Here is a great website if you would like to find a therapist.

 http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-grief.html

The Funeral...

The day of the funeral, the hardest day of the whole process.  The day we all say farewell to our loved one; the final goodbye.  This is a huge step for most people and very difficult to get through for many as well.  Seeing your loved one in a coffin is truly the biggest heart break you will ever feel throughout your life.  The funeral is the day for the break downs, the day for everything to become real and not just a terrible nightmare.  What makes it even harder is all the people there with you and watching as you struggle to find strength. 

For some the funeral is a healing process, to actually see that their loved one is really gone and as odd as it may seem it helps them.  It’s the first step in their grieving process that everyone will eventually go through.  It is the same process for everyone but we go about in different orders and different ways.

This website gives a very good explanation with that process. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

What To Expect...

Expect food, as odd as that sounds, just be ready for it.  No one knows how to help you so the best thing that they feel they can do is bring you food so that you don’t have to go cook or go out and buy something.  And let’s be honest, who is going to say no to food at any given time?  No one I know that’s for sure. 

Don’t be shocked when you start receiving cards or gift cards to different places.  People want to help in any way.  From my own personal experience I think I received about a dozen cards and probably close to 10 gift cards in about a five day span.  Random gifts also seem to be a thing when helping people get over a loss.  I was given blankets, stuffed animals, games, diary books, and picture frames constantly for about a week straight.  Which in actuality I did put most of that stuff to good use.  Sitting in a house for a week and not going anywhere gets pretty boring after a while.  You can only cry for so long some days before you just start going mad with boredom. 

Most obviously, expect tears; you are going to cry, a lot.  Most likely everyone will, it helps people sometimes.  Crying really is a great stress reliever, and at this point you are probably at an all-time high for stress and don’t really know what else to do.