Finding Help...

Here is a map of the clinics in Topeka you can seek help from.

Finding Help...

There are counseling centers all around you if you feel that you need professional help. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed for asking for help. Counseling is a safe place to talk to someone who can help you. More people should look in to counseling, it really does benefit you.

 Some charge a hourly fee, while others charge per visit. It all depends who you go to, some centers are paid for with your insurance as well.

In a post later on I will show you a map of the counseling centers in Topeka Kansas.

Personal Stories...

Below is a podcast you can listen to. You will be hearing personal stories deal with death. Download this episode (right click and save)

The Steps...

These are the stages of grieving.

The Process in Depth...

This video explains the steps of grief in detail and is very easy to understand, if you are interested I would recommend watching this!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHmM1vlqVl8

Some Days are Better Than Others...

We all have bad days, we all have good days.  But when we have a bad day, believe me, it is REALLY bad.  Some days just never seem to go well for me, it’s the same way for others I would think as well. 

On days when nothing seems to go right everything seems to come back to me about how much I miss my loved one in heaven.  So, as you would probably assume the bad day turns into a straight nightmare.  It is always important to remember that just because you are having a bad day doesn’t mean it’s a terrible life.  Everyone is going to have those days where all you do is sit around and cry or feel depressed about a death that was important to you, it is only natural you’re going to miss them. 

           

One days like that you always need to remember to look for the positive things in life.   Go out with friends instead of sitting around, try and keep your mind off things.  As time goes on it’ll get easier to keep yourself distracted.  Always remember to talk it out with someone, talking about how you feel will only help ease the pain.   Feel free to share memories on these days about your loved one and stuff that you did with them.  Always think about the good things and never dwell on the bad memories.  

Gone But Never Forgotten...

Something that a lot of people have trouble with is being afraid their loved one will be forgotten.  This is something I not only have dealt with personally but also have had the opportunity to hear other people with the same worries.

The definition in the dictionary of forgotten is this; unremembered, out of mind, past recollection, beyond/past recall, consigned to oblivion. 

In my mind they will never be forgotten, because according to the definition you would have to stop thinking about them, and keep them far away from your thoughts; and let’s be honest, that is never going to happen.  It has been four years since my dad’s passing and there isn't one day that he doesn't cross my mind in one form or another. 

I think the word “forgotten” is too strong of word to be used when dealing with this.  Our minds are very complex things and to completely forget a great loss is a very difficult thing to do whether you want to or not.  There are far too many things in this world that remind us of them in some way.  It could be the littlest of things like just hearing a song, or an expression they used to say.  Or it could be as big as hearing their name, or seeing a picture.  Just keep in mind you will not forget them.  If that person was of any importance to you in your life they will always be with you. 

Photo credit: http://www.liveluvcreate.com/index.php?site=image&id=355943

Is It Weird To Talk To Them? Nah...

Visiting the grave is an experience that never seems to get easier for me.  I’m not sure about anyone else but it is a struggle every time for me.  I can’t help but remember the memories of seeing the coffin and recalling everything about the funeral. 

I have found though it helps to talk it out, and yes I mean talk to the person who is under the dirt.  You probably won’t get the reply you are hoping for but it helps more than you would think.  To this day I still go have conversations with my dad, tell him about my life, what’s happening, how much I miss him.  You just have to believe they are listening and hear everything you are saying to them.  Who knows, maybe they do. 

You won’t cry every visit though after a while, I can testify to that one.  It takes a while to get over that whole factor but when you do it feels great; and taking flowers or whatever else you like to the cemetery becomes a lot happier of an experience to deal with because you feel better and it feels like you are actually doing something for them. 

This is a very good article dealing with this specific topic.

 http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/commonsensechristianity/2014/01/is-it-okay-to-talk-to-the-grave-of-your-loved-one.html

Colleges Aren't Great With Death...

People truly underestimate the difficulties we as students have with college, college funding and grants and loans to be exact actually.  You have to fill out all of this paper work and talk to handfuls of people and everything else you could probably think of that goes along with college tuition. 

Imagine this, you are ready to go off to college, you’ve done all your paperwork and everything else but then BOOM. Death in the family, death of a parent; the only parent who supported you financially.  What do you do now?  Well I’ll tell you this first off, don’t go asking your financial aid office to begin with.  They are of no help.  And good luck filling out your FAFSA, a FAFSA is supposed to be based on your current situation.  But what happens when that situation changes unexpectedly? Hate to say it, but you’re basically screwed…

Going to be honest here, there isn’t much hope for a happy ending with this.  All they will allow you to do is go off of your older FAFSA and hope that it’ll still work for you.  Except that truth is that it doesn't work out for you now.  Now that your only source of income is gone you need more help with your future and funding. 

The best thing for you to do would be to get as many grants as you are capable of and see how many loans can be offered to you until you can get a new FAFSA filled out with your actual situation or fill out a special circumstance form, which you would need to find a bunch of other paperwork you may not be able to get.  Basically, college tuition is a waiting game when you lose a parent.  It will try your patience and everything else but hopefully you can see the light at the end of your tunnel eventually.  

Accepting Change...

People move on, I suppose some move on faster than others do.  Some even move on to the point of accepting another person into their lives. Kind of like my mom I guess.  About two years ago she met another guy; they started “dating” or whatever else you want to call it.  I didn't even acknowledge his existence for the first year of it…

Did I feel bad about this? Heck no.  I didn't need another man in my life trying to take over with what was left behind.  But for some reason my mom liked him, despite what I had to say about it.  It was clear she was going to do whatever she wanted regardless of me.  Which also made me hate him and push him away even more.  She insisted on bringing him to all of my sporting events and activities, even though I would specifically ask her not to.  She would (and still does) talk to him on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT, literally the most annoying thing for me.  I would think to myself, I don’t even talk to my friends this much…

Finally, after a good six months of me fighting this and many tears later, she decided to respect my wishes and keep him far away from me and my life.  Which I was pretty happy about.  But lets be honest here, that only lasted a couple months before she started bringing him back around again.  Which again upset me, but now my mother started getting an attitude of her own about this whole ordeal.  According to her I should “get over it” and “start being nicer” because apparently I fought it long enough. 

Needless to say she is still with him to this day, it has been about two years.  Do I accept him fully yet? Nope.  Is it getting any better? Maybe a bit.  I mean I do allow myself to be around him now and all that, I even speak to him on occasions.  Slowly but surely I keep telling myself, it’s a tough thing to accept others into your life after a big loss.  But with time, trust me, it does get easier to understand and deal with.  You just have to remember that this person is not trying to replace anyone.  They are simply making your family member a bit happier.

 Photo credit: http://weheartit.com/toni_leilani_laumatia

Help Others...

If you have lost a loved one in a tragic event you should try to help others as much as you can that are going through the same thing.  You know almost exactly how they feel and some advice could really help them push on.  They would probably appreciate the help from you.  But how would I know right?

Going back to a personal note, as you already know; my dad passed away suddenly my freshman year of high school.  I also happened to have a very close friend of mine that I had grown up with since first grade have a similar event happen.  Her mother suddenly passed away our senior year of high school without any warning.  Since I had been in that almost same situation I was the first called. 

It is always hard going through something like this, but it helps just to have someone who can understand your feelings.  Going through this event together were able to talk about things a lot more personal than she felt comfortable discussing with anyone else.  I answered questions that she had about the way she was feeling and if time really does help.  I was a stronger shoulder to cry on because I knew her pain for the most part.  I was actually someone that was put into her shoes and understood her feelings. 

Even to this day we still talk, she still asks questions, and we still cry together.  It is something that not many people can relate to and they should be thankful that they can’t.  But knowing someone that has been through it can help you on a whole new level nobody really understands. 

During this time, I even had people ask how I was doing.  If I was holding up alright, because supposedly everyone thought this death would trigger something for me about my dad and I would suddenly lose it again.  I didn't, yes it did bring back a few feelings but nothing that would “set me back” or whatever people would call that.  I was just grateful that even though I did go through it all, at least my experience would help someone else through their difficult time.   

photo credit: http://www.exquisitelygeek.com/2014_04_01_archive.html

It Is Not Your Fault...

It seems that every time someone passes away no matter the case at least one person is trying to blame themselves.  It is important to remember that death is not your fault.  You should never think that, some things are just out of our control. 

Some things to remember are, it’s okay to still smile and have a good time.  You should not feel guilty about having a good day even though your loved one is gone.  It doesn't mean you've forgotten about them or love them any less.  You are just continuing your own life and trying to enjoy it. 

If you are feeling this guilt you definitely need to read this article. 

http://drphil.com/articles/article/202 

                                                                     

Back to Your Routine...

I had just started my freshman year of high school when my dad pasted away; actually try the first couple weeks of high school… I had just gotten used to my schedule and I was participating in volleyball and running cross country.  I was already super busy with my school work and practices and everything else that a high school student deals with whenever everything happen.  My day to day routine was as follows for the first couple weeks; wake up 5:00am and get ready for cross country practice at 6:00am, start school at 8:00am and end at 3:00pm, followed by volleyball practice from 3:15 to 5:30pm, then running another cross country workout after that.  The next day I would repeat.  I had gotten used to it, that is how it was going to be.

I took a week off of school before I went back.  During that week I did absolutely nothing but sit in my house and think.  No practices, no homework, no nothing, just sitting.  I was somewhat excited to get to school after that week, I wanted that normality back.  I wanted my routine back. 

Going back to school had its difficulties though, you could tell the emotion from some people they had for you for a while.  It made things awkward for me really.  Some teachers just acted like nothing had happened, while others kept me after class to express their sorrow and sympathy for me.  It took a while for everything to get 100% back to normal.  But I was willing to keep pushing until I got it back.  Getting back to my routine was all I wanted.  It definitely helped to keep myself occupied once again with all my work.  Staying busy is just something I think everyone should do while going through this. 

Photo credit: http://www.happylandlcc.com/daily.html

Talk...

It is very important to talk about the situation.  It may seem very hard to be able to discuss this topic for a long time but believe me, it helps.  You can talk to anyone really, anyone who is willing to listen anyway.  A close friend, a parent, another family member, or you can even go to a professional.  There are people out there whose job is to sit and just listen to your problems; take advantage of that.  Holding all of that emotion inside of you just doesn’t work.  It builds, it gets worse, and you just get overall depressed more than you already are; holding it in does absolutely nothing for you.

There are free services on most campus’s you can go to for help, or you can choose to pay for one and get help somewhere else.  If you aren’t much of talker than write, that is better than nothing.  Sit yourself down with a piece of paper and pencil or a laptop and write it out.  Putting your feelings down in front of you can truly help you understand just how you are feeling. 

Personally, for me it took a very long time before I could actually talk about anything without bursting into tears.  So don’t feel alone if you are the same way.  It has been a little over four years and I still find it difficult sometimes, it just takes time.  It is true when they say time heals all pain, the pain will never go away completely; but time does help you move on easier.

Here is a great website if you would like to find a therapist.

 http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-grief.html

The Funeral...

The day of the funeral, the hardest day of the whole process.  The day we all say farewell to our loved one; the final goodbye.  This is a huge step for most people and very difficult to get through for many as well.  Seeing your loved one in a coffin is truly the biggest heart break you will ever feel throughout your life.  The funeral is the day for the break downs, the day for everything to become real and not just a terrible nightmare.  What makes it even harder is all the people there with you and watching as you struggle to find strength. 

For some the funeral is a healing process, to actually see that their loved one is really gone and as odd as it may seem it helps them.  It’s the first step in their grieving process that everyone will eventually go through.  It is the same process for everyone but we go about in different orders and different ways.

This website gives a very good explanation with that process. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

What To Expect...

Expect food, as odd as that sounds, just be ready for it.  No one knows how to help you so the best thing that they feel they can do is bring you food so that you don’t have to go cook or go out and buy something.  And let’s be honest, who is going to say no to food at any given time?  No one I know that’s for sure. 

Don’t be shocked when you start receiving cards or gift cards to different places.  People want to help in any way.  From my own personal experience I think I received about a dozen cards and probably close to 10 gift cards in about a five day span.  Random gifts also seem to be a thing when helping people get over a loss.  I was given blankets, stuffed animals, games, diary books, and picture frames constantly for about a week straight.  Which in actuality I did put most of that stuff to good use.  Sitting in a house for a week and not going anywhere gets pretty boring after a while.  You can only cry for so long some days before you just start going mad with boredom. 

Most obviously, expect tears; you are going to cry, a lot.  Most likely everyone will, it helps people sometimes.  Crying really is a great stress reliever, and at this point you are probably at an all-time high for stress and don’t really know what else to do.  

What Not To Say...

It is truly interesting to see how other people react to death, people can be so awkward and different about it.  It’s as if they have never experienced it themselves so they have no idea as to what’s going on.  People definitely can say the wrong things easily.  One thing I’m sure people going through this difficult time hate hearing is, “I know how you feel.”  Because I feel like saying “No actually you don’t, you have no idea what this feels like, how dare you try to compare something to this.” 

“Is there anything I can do for you?” yet another phrase used that gets rather annoying after a while.  Obviously we aren’t going to be asking for a lot during this time and the only thing we want is the person we can’t get back.   “It will be all right.” No it won’t be all right, We just lost one of the closest people to us, how do you expect everything to be all right? Which in the long run most the time everything does work out but at the time it doesn’t seem like anything will ever work out again.
People going through this difficult time do need to realize that people do feel awkward during these times and they are just trying to help.  But other people need to recognize the appropriate things to say.  




Photo credit: 

http://www.onloanfromheaven.com/2011/12/what-not-to-say-to-birthmom.html

  

First Few Days and Nights...

The first few nights are definitely the hardest.  You don’t sleep, if you get more than a couple hours you should feel lucky.  But then again why should someone consider themselves lucky at all in this situation.  You will probably have nightmares depending on the event for the next few days following, I personally started talking in my sleep after my experience.  Just depends on who you are and how you react.

 If you are like me you probably won’t do much sleeping during the night but during the day.  The nights were especially hard because you had time to just think.  It really sinks in during the night that they are really gone and aren’t coming back; you are too busy during the day to really just sit and think about all of it because people are coming by to visit and talk with you.  I really don’t consider myself a huge people though honestly, so I preferred staying away from everyone and just keeping to myself and getting some sleep finally in. 

photo credit:

                                                                       http://www.why.do/why-does-the-earth-
                                                                                      experience-day-and-night/

First Reactions...

Every girl has that one terrible horror story from back in their early teenage years.  You know, the typical fear of your period, the fear of starting high school, and all that nonsense.  And I, Breann Hill, just like everyone else had one as well, except mine was a bit different. 

When I was fourteen just starting out my high school career my father unexpectedly passed away.  No warnings, no signs, it just happened. Toughest thing a fourteen year old could of had to face at that time, or at least in my case.  That night changed my life forever… How do you react to that?  I really don’t think there is a wrong or right way in this case.  Mind blowing, head exploding, nausea, dizziness, anger, fear, and even just plain astoundment with the situation; all of which I was feeling. 

Later that night all I remember was going back to my house with my mom and sitting.  Not crying anymore, not asking why, just sitting.  Letting it all really sink in so I could come to my senses and realize this was real life and it wasn’t a bad dream I would suddenly awaken from.  That was my first reaction to it all with a long road ahead no one can truly prepare for.                                                                                                                                                                                  photo credit Breann Hill

Me, Myself, and I

Hello, my name is Breann Hill and I am 18 years old.  I went to high school in Lyndon which is about 15 minutes from my hometown.  This is my first year here at Washburn but I’m qualified as a sophomore because of credits I acquired during high school.  I am majoring in Mass Media and focusing more on the commercial advertising area of it.  I am from Osage City, KS where I lived with my mother Chris, my two cats Smokey and Chubbers, and my two dogs Belle and Carmel. 

My mom Chris is a city clerk and she still lives in Osage City, which is about 45 minutes away.  My dad’s name is Jim and he passed away suddenly my freshman year of high school, it will be four years since his passing this month on the 28^th.  I have one sister named Britta who lives here in Topeka with her husband Eric who graduated here from Washburn.  They have one daughter named Fynlee who will be two years old in December. 

In high school I was involved in many activities such as volleyball, cross country, basketball, track, and softball.  Those were basically my hobbies throughout high school because that is all I really had time for.  But nowadays that I am not so involved in all those activities my hobbies include running, watching movies, and hanging out with friends.

 

Losing my dad at such a young age really took its toll on me.  I have been through a lot of struggles because of that fact.  These struggles are what is going to make my blogs worth your time.  I really can say I am speaking from a personal view when talking about this subject and not just guessing how I believe someone would feel in this instance because I have, and still do have all of those feelings.  

photo credit Breann Hill